Issue No. 19: GRUBB AND 'THE BEANO'

Our teachers at Grammar School were a variety of types: aloof, arrogant, bullying, caring, demanding, dangerous, interesting, encouraging, cynical, boring, inspiring and stupid.

Mr Smugsby ticked a number of the above categories. He was, amongst other things, a 'Careers Master'. He had a simple method of deciding which boys were of interest to him. He was most interested in those who wished to go to university, less interested in those who did not but stayed on to do 'A' levels, and not interested at all in any who left school at 16.

Books to Impress

In the 5th Form, we had a lesson where we were encouraged to bring in a book and read it quietly. Some boys from middle class homes had access to extensive and improving book collections at home; others, like me, did not. However, as the class teacher quite often  picked up books and looked at them, most of the students tried to bring in books that might impress him. I once brought in a book about the Battle of Königgrätz in the Austro-Prussian War in 1866, which I borrowed from the local branch library (it had a colourful and exciting picture of a cavalry charge on the cover!). I couldn't read beyond the first ten dense pages and hadn't a clue who won the battle. [In fact, the Battle of  Königgrätz (or Sadowa) was the decisive battle of the Austro-Prussian War. Prussia won the battle and this led, inexorably, to later German unification....and you know what, thereafter].

My sum total of books at home was 'King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table' and two 'Biggles' adventures. I had read and re-read these a number of times and considered myself an expert on them. 'Why didn't they have questions about them on the English 'O' Level paper?'  I often mused.

Grubb, on the other hand, didn't care a damn about impressing the teachers. He was leaving school at the end of the year after sitting his 'O' Level and CSE exams. We all secretly envied Grubb his honest book choice - 'The Beano Annual'.

During one of these lessons, Mr Smugsby suddenly appeared, to review the future intentions of some of the class. There was no confidentiality, private encouragement or guidance involved, just him loudly confirming what external exams you were sitting, checking whether you were leaving or going into the 6th Form and what subjects you intended to take there. As he proceeded, he noted Grubb and his large, colourful book. He walked up to his desk, disdainfully lifted the book up so we could all see it and snigger, stepped back and began:

"Ah, Grubb, I see that you are leaving us this year."

Grubb looked up without answering and, never taking his eyes off Smugsby, sharpened the pencil he had taken from his top pocket.

Smugsby continued "Tell me, Grubb, what do you want to do when you leave school?"

Grubb drew himself up and dutifully answered "Become a policeman, Sir"  and then quickly checked to see if he had removed his bicycle clips.

This answer drew more sniggers, although we realised that it was probably a better paid job than the most popular Grammar School leaver choices at 16 and 18 - the Civil Service and (ironically) teacher training college, respectively.

Smugsby went on: "And let's see what 'O' Levels you are taking....Oh yes, Music and Geography, isn't it?"

Grubb nodded, licked his pencil and opened his notebook.

"I see", said Smugsby, becoming more animated in anticipation of his punchline, "If you pass both those exams I suppose you will be well qualified to lead the police band!"

We all laughed as required (actually, it was quite a good joke). Smugsby departed and sped to the staff room to share his joke, no doubt leaping up and clicking his heels in delight as he went. Grubb slowly closed his notebook, put his pencil back in his top pocket, loudly cleared his throat and resumed his painstaking investigation of the crime wave known as 'The Bash Street Kids'.

There is a postscript to the Grubb story. Very recently, I heard an unconfirmed rumour that despite years of longing to be a policeman, and succeeding in that ambition, his policeman's lot was not a happy one [perhaps they didn't let him read 'The Beano' in the panda car?].  The story has it that he lasted less than ten years in the job and then gave it all up and became a solicitor's clerk. It is said that he worked for a year or so at the prestigious regional firm of Hadaway & Choyte but then opted for the more sedate home town practice of Handel & Grissell, and he spent over thirty years in the same role there.

I have no idea whether any of this is true. Personally, I doubt it, knowing that Grubb simply lived to be a copper. It all sounds too much like a grim fairy tale to me.